"Because you have never been kind." 

There I said it out loud. As the words left my mouth, I felt a huge weight be lifted off my chest that had been pressing down on me for years. 

This past year has been the journey of new. 

New home routine. 

New education plan for our three kids. 

New for me and my husband to actually talk about our feelings without becoming combative in our words. 

And yes with all this new happening in our life, one thing is still a constant in our life currently. 

The world fell into chaos and we ended up never leaving our home. 

And when I say never leave, I mean only leave for groceries. 

It's been two years of isolation away from everyone. 

It has been two years. I am the mother to my three beautiful children making a choice to homeschool them all. 

And yes I regret that choice and let me tell you why. 

I have three children all different ages and grades and out of my three children, my two boys are both on the autism spectrum. 

So really homeschooling is no easy task in our home with zero outside support, help or even guidance. 

It's been a long stretch. 

A rough road you could say for our family. 

When the world went into chaos, my husband was struggling with depression, which he will never openly admit and he was into the bottle pretty heavily. 

But only I could see that our world, our family and our life was crumbling apart ans I was apparently the only one caring. 

Last December, my husband asked me for a divorce, that is a lie. 

He didn't ask, he demanded one and to be honest I saw it coming, as I watched him unravel and quickly become someone I didn't love. 

He was a mess, always drinking and blind to anyone telling him anything or trying to help. 

My husband liked to indulge every single night into a bottle where kindness was not something I usually saw a lot of. 

Which quickly came to an end, just as quick as he asked for a divorce. 

Christmas is maybe forever wrecked for me.

The one holiday that I loved with all my heart is the same day my husband made a choice to ask for a divorce. 

Or was it that he demanded to get a divorce? 

Honestly it depends who you ask or what version of the story you get. 

Not going to lie. 

I hated him for not loving me more. 

I hated him for not fighting for us. 

I hated him for wrecking Christmas. 

I hated him for days, then this weird thing happened.

We started to talk and then we started to chat more for endless hours. 

Neither of us were talking or chatting to fix anything. 

I just think we both had a lot stored up and needed to get off our chest. 

We talked for days, which turned into weeks which slipped into months. 

Which quickly turned into let's be better, let's do better, let's love better and communicate better. 

Together. 

At the time, I thought all of it was a load of crap because my husband was by far the worst communicator ever. 

My husband and I have been married enough years that I know him well, well enough to call his bluff. 

Problem was he was not bluffing. 

He wanted to work on us, he wanted us to have a great life together. 

The divorce magically got removed from our life and conversations. 

Which sounds great, but let me tell you why it wasn't. 

I wasn't used to this new important and improved husband of mine, where compliments and communication is something he constantly is part of. 

My husband became a better version of himself and so did I. 

The problem is, I don't know what to do with the kindness, the endless love, the attention to detail. 

Years of not being seen and been treated always as less than. 

Years of my husband having zero empathy, all the sudden to make sure my mental health is in check. 

When people ask how our family is doing, I say when the world went into chaos, ours just got amplified. The problem was no one could see it except us. 

In two years, we have experienced so many things as a family. 

But the best thing I ever experienced was when I finally let go of everything I was holding onto, and finally said "because you have never been kind to me like this before". 

Something I think my husband needed to hear. He never recognized how little he complimented me, he never realized how little he publicly showed affection, he never thought, realized or knew about a lot of things until I made him see. 

I am here drowning. 

I am here suffocating. 

I am here and it took years for you to finally see me and love me. 

Sorry if I am a little cautious and hesitant to even trust you with my heart going forward. 

I am fragile and I think you finally see that.